Before we get into a day of WIAW eats, I want to open up about something that’s been on my mind lately: calories. And not just the calories themselves, but the context we build around them. For anyone who isn’t too clear on the concept of “context”, think of it as a set of ideas / actions / learned behaviors that informs and shapes how we think about something – in this case, the concept of the calorie.
Obviously, none of us was born fearing high calorie foods and that special sort of guilt we feel, some more than others, is definitely not intrinsic. And don’t worry, I’m not about to launch into an attack on diet culture and how it creates unnecessary negative connotations with food although you all know I definitely could. Truth be told, when I sat down to write this blog post I didn’t intend to challenge diet culture or body shamers or any of the context about the calorie stigma, but rather to challenge myself to count calories from Monday-Friday of this week. And not for the reason you think.
Breakfast: Started with a strawberry banana + almond butter smoothie (unpictured) at my friend’s house, followed by this gluten free blueberry scone & green tea latte from Cafe Gratitude (both shared with my friend)
You must be asking yourself at this point, why would I, a self-proclaimed intuitive eater and advocate for all things intuitive eating (AKA exact opposite of calorie counting) revert back to my old ways? Well, let me tell you why the heck I wanted to count calories in the first place
- To remind myself of the calorie counting mindset that many of my readers are still battling to overcome, so that I can better guide them towards intuitive eating
- To de-bunk the myth that eating X amount of calories that is considered “scary” (usually 2500 -3500+) will make you gain weight like crazy / ruin your physical fitness or physique
- To prove to myself that I can count calories religiously for a week, and then say goodbye to it. Kick it out of my life and welcome the food freedom of intuitive eating. Because if I can, you can too.
Breakfast / brunch: Shortly following the scone we ordered two dishes to split. This BBQ tempeh scramble with mixed veggies, avocado & GF sourdough toast and a vegan, lentil curry bowl with a deliciously sweet chutney.
I figured, that if I counted calories so religiously for years, surely I could do it for a few days for educational purposes. For learning purposes and for growth, right? ….Wrong
Like I said, when I sat down to write this post, it was a Monday afternoon. As Monday evening approached and I started to do the tally in my head and prepare myself to add it all up, a bunch of old emotions flooded in that I was not expecting.
Snack after brunch: passionfruit ice cream from a lil creamery!
Let me just tell you, the second I started thinking about the idea of counting my day’s calories, which happened to be as I was preparing dinner, the most intense wave of anxiety flooded in. I’m going to mention a possible trigger warning here, because here’s the kind of thoughts that started running through my brain at the mere thought of calorie counting
- While cooking dinner… This beef patty has 440 calories?! (Normally I wouldn’t even look) Why the hell did I buy this? Is it too late to refreeze it?
- As I went to grab a handful of pretzels after dinner... Wait, how am I going to plug this in later? How much is a serving of pretzels? Should I count the handful out one by one? Can I estimate
- When I wanted to dip my pretzels in some peanut butter and took the jar to my room… Wait what if I’m not able to stop eating the peanut butter? Should I portion it out? Should I just not eat it all together
Snack later that day: Fage 2% peach yogurt + some pretzels
Those thoughts were so uncomfortable, so anxiety inducing, so…familiar that I decided to abandon the challenge once and for all. But I’m still going to answer those three prompts for you. Because here’s what my experience revisiting calorie counting reminded me:
- The mindset of so many of my readers. How debilitating it is, but also how nothing can make you go back to it once you’ve learned how to eat intuitively. My love for you guys is infinite. And there’s not much that I wouldn’t do for y’all or the sake of Healthyezsweet Life, but counting calories is in that slim 1% because it is that painful and that unnatural. So whatever justification you’re using to keep that calorie counting app on your Iphone, it’s time to say goodbye.
- The myth that eating X amount of calories will make you gain weight (usually people associate it with 2500 – 3000+) is just that, a myth. I’ve been weight restored for almost a year now, and for the recent six months (after the weight gain & stabilization period) I have maintained the same number on the scale give or take 3 pounds (depending on morning or night). Don’t be afraid to quit tracking. It is the BEST way to maintain without driving yourself crazy.
- Well, I didn’t prove to myself that I could count calories religiously for a week and then kick it. But I did count them religiously for years and guess what? Still kicked it. Kicked it so hard that I absolutely under no circumstances could go back to it. A life free of calorie counting, forever. It’s possible. It’s real. You can most certainly get there too.
Dinner: hibachi shrimp with grilled veggies (some still on the grill!) and the most delicious, buttery fried rice I’ve ever tasted. Not a grain was left in the bowl!
So guys, what was the point of me telling you about my failed attempt to count calories? To show you from an outside looking in perspective how messed up we’ve made the context of calories in our society. Right now it may feel normal to you that you count out or weight everything you eat. You may think it’s an extension of your will power, something all the “healthy” folks are doing, and yet it feels like there’s no way out.
There. Is. A. Way. Out.
And you don’t have to worry about relapsing or back sliding because I promise you, once you kick that calorie counting habit once and for all, you’ll never miss it. Not even for a second. You’ll be too busy enjoying spontaneous wine nights and peanut butter from the jar. You’ll be too busy laughing and loving and being present in life. And I’m here for you for all of that.
No really, I love it when you guys email me (healthyezsweer@gmail.com) and ask me your recovery questions, your intuitive eating questions. You don’t have to do this alone. <3
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17 Comments
Wow, you are brave Cayanne, and I really appreciate that you are taking on this challenge to bless others and serve others. It is so precious to see you recovering, and by God’s grace, He has used you to really challenge me and push me to recovery more and more and more. I can’t wait to hear your thoughts after a week. I will be following closely. <3 <3 <3
I’m so glad I’ve been of some help and comfort in your journey, beautiful. And even though I won’t be counting calories this week, I’ll be more aware of the emotions they bring out in me and plan to use that to connect and relate to others even better. XO
Cayanne recently posted…WIAW + A Recovery Challenge You Didn’t See Coming
I love Cafe Gratitude! We just got one in San Diego – I need to go check out that BBQ tempeh scramble!
Laura @ Sprint 2 the Table recently posted…My Version of Camping + WIAW
Yes I have a feeling you’d just love it!
Cayanne recently posted…WIAW + A Recovery Challenge You Didn’t See Coming
Hi Cayanne! I totally can relate to this. I thought I had kicked the fear of carbs, but every so often I’ll have an event coming up (friend’s wedding or even going home to see my parents) and I’ll revert back into thinking that I need to cut carbs and it’s a slippery slope. I have to remind myself that I don’t want to go back to that place! I’m really proud of you and appreciative that you share your journey as you recover. It’s not always a “before and after” story.
Dani @ Dani California Cooks recently posted…WIAW – Springtime in the Pacific Northwest
Thank you so much, Dani. I try to be as transparent as possible – even when it’s not so pretty. I can totally relate to the slope when it comes to counting carbs, calories, even just the temptation to “cut it down a teensy bit”. I have to stop myself from giving into those feelings as well whenever I go visit my boyfriend. We’re long distance and sometimes I can feel myself thinking I should go extra hard in the gym, eat extra clean so I’m my “best” when I see him. But then I remember I am my best regardless of my body or what goes into it 🙂
Cayanne recently posted…WIAW + A Recovery Challenge You Didn’t See Coming
This was interesting- thank you for sharing!
For a long time I counted calories. However, I don’t now and it’s amazing how my body just does what it normally does. I didn’t gain weight rapidly or starting eating way more than normal when I stopped counting.
I learned in many of nutrition classes that when people are told to count their calories or record their intake, they eat less, sometimes unintentionally. This may be helpful for someone who NEEDS to lose weight, at least initially, but for most of us our bodies just eat they need when they need. They figure out a way to use those calories.
Kate recently posted…Rambling & meals (WIAW)
You bring up a *great point Kate, about people who count calories tending to eat less than they estimate. I think this is especially true for those struggling with disordered eating habits. I know when I was counting calories I would ALWAYS account for more calories than I was actually eating, leaving me with a dangerous deficit. It almost builds fear of eating more than that “goal number” on the tracker app so one makes sure not to get near that number. I’m so glad to hear you’ve found balance in intuitive eating and have kicked the calorie counting!
Cayanne recently posted…WIAW + A Recovery Challenge You Didn’t See Coming
Obsessed with Cafe Gratitude…so good! I use to be obsessed with breaking down every single part of a nutrition label to the point where I wouldn’t even enjoy my food. Now I more just focus on eating whole foods!
Diana recently posted…Easy Egg Muffins
Go you! Whole foods and focusing on hunger cues is such a more natural and enjoyable way to be
Cayanne recently posted…WIAW + A Recovery Challenge You Didn’t See Coming
Hello, first of all, thank you for this blog post, it was something I really needed to read. Second, I am recovered from a restrictive ED, however, since I am in the Autism Spectrum, I don’t really get hunger cues, or they get taken to a second plane. Now, I swim around 2.5-3 km around 5-6 times a week, and I have been trying to calorie count because I worry I don’t eat enough to sustain that kind of activity. However, I also noticed that when counting, what happened to you about ED thoughts popping back up, happens to me.
I try to eat two snacks and 3 meals a day, however, what made me worried about not eating enough, even though I am not loosing weight, is the obssession with food coming back. About what will I eat, when will I eat, how much will I eat… Looking at pictures of food, sometimes dreaming about food, worries about how much I am eating, the desire to keep eating…
Any tips please? Umm, the swimming is also because they gave me a scholarship for that at school, so, if I stop swimming, I loose the scholarship. Thank you.
i love that you did this experiment! man, the things that we do to ourselves is crazy. flooding our brains with all these unimportant, unnecessary stresses.
I think i looked at the calories on something once and it freaked me right out. since then i never looked again 😉
Beverley @ Born to Sweat recently posted…Nike Pro Combat Shorts Review
That old saying “ignorance is bliss” really does make sense sometimes. I’d take being knowledgable about nutrition and feeling good and ignorant about calories any day. One wayyy out-benefits the other 🙂
Cayanne recently posted…WIAW + A Recovery Challenge You Didn’t See Coming
I love this post, Cayanne. You are so brave–I don’t think I would have the courage to count calories. I still have anxiety attacks when I think about them, even though I know my weight is stable. So I think it was an awesome challenge, but also very wise of you to know when to call it quits.
Thank you, Joyce. I think you’re brave as heck for acknowledging your anxiety and staying away from the things that make you anxious. Regardless of our weight, calories make SO many of us feel less than. Better to just say “to heck with it” all together!
Cayanne recently posted…WIAW + A Recovery Challenge You Didn’t See Coming
I love your honesty with this post. I know personally, I will most likely never be able to religiously track calories in a healthy way, my brain just isn’t wired that way and given my history with anorexia it would not be healthy at all. Good job taking care of yourself!
Sarah recently posted…Currently: April
And good job to you for prioritizing your body and mental health. Inspiring to me!
Cayanne recently posted…WIAW + A Recovery Challenge You Didn’t See Coming